Running

OK. Running is not my favorite thing.

And I’ve got some pretty good reasons not to do it, I think. It’s DARK out when I get home from work still. Also, it’s COLD out.

The cold wasn’t a problem till I solved the dark problem: I bought a headlamp! Now I can see! Right? No. Wait. I can kinda see.

Problem is, like I said, it’s cold out. So I can see as long as I’m breathing in. When I breathe out, my headlamp lights up the white cloud of my breath and I can longer see. This makes for quite a disorienting run. I’m slightly afraid I’m going to tripfallbreakmyankle. No big deal though, right.

Oh well. My runs are short for now. I’m working on speed. I can go pretty far at a slow jog, but once I really push my speed I can’t go very far at all.

Anyway. Keep on trucking, me.

I don’t  know what my calorie count is for today. We had tea at work and I had TWO pieces of whatever that tasty treat was that someone brought in. I’m guess one w as about 110? Maybe? More? Let’s just add 300 and say I’m probably at 1100-1200 for the day, just to be on the safe side. So I think a light dinner is in order.

Good thing I went for a half blind run.

Today was a day of awesome

so far.

There is still much damage to do!

BUT, as of now, I have eaten 851 calories (pre-dinner, folks). AND I went for a .65 mile walk during work. AND went for a 1 mile run. On a 1700 calorie diet, I can have 1100 more calories today (once you account for the movement). But heaven’s let’s not get carried away!

Here’s what made me feel really good today:

I started getting hungry for lunch, and my thought was “I feel hungry” not “YES I GET TO EAT GIVE ME ALL THE THINGS!”

I had a cup of hot chocolate. I realized I was drinking it for comfort. I reminded myself the food is not my comfort, and I felt no qualms about tossing it down the drain. I could have had the calories, today, but I was consuming for the wrong reason.

Satsuma’s are my freakin’ crack. I cannot stop eating them. I can’t tell if this is bad or not. THEY ARE DELICIOUS, COLD, JUICY, BURST-IN-YOUR MOUTHY. Why am I eating them so much? Cause I feel I need something to fill the void? Or because they taste so good? I only had two. But WOW, you guys. wow.

I also had the least appetizing looking of my lean cuisines, just to get it out of the way. The spinach glop was actually manageable. I mean, I like spinach, but you should have seen this stuff. Tasted way more like food than it looked. The chicken part was magnificent.

I just feel good because it wasn’t a FIGHT. It was just food, and it was just fine. Tada!

I think this is progress 😀

The First week.

I stopped blogging there for a few days, cause I was embarrassed by what I ate. I skipped lunch on Thursday to have an entire order of fried rice all to myself. Oh delicious.

I bought tasty treats for a thing at work, last minute cause no one was signed up, and I bought an extra bad (freudian slip!) bag of chocolate hearts that I brought home. I ate a bunch of those on Friday.

On Saturday, I did fine. Simple lunch, simple dinner (wasn’t up in time for breakfast, mind.) And then I had this headache, this painful, horrible, I just want to cuddle up in a hoodie and eat all of the things headache. I had to drive to the store to get the ice cream in which I indulged, but drive to the store I did. And I got freezy shell chocolate noms for on top of it. It was delicious.

But here’s the weird thing. I’ve been unhealthy several times this week. I caved to cravings. I didn’t always do well. But a lot of the time I did do well.  A lot of the time I didn’t cave to cravings. So, despite what I did cave in to, I still lost 3 pounds.

Yeah. That’s right.

I guess that’s a testament to how unhealthy I have been eating that I still caved to come cravings and dropped pounds.

Pounds dropped though cannot be my ultimate measure of success. Because my goal is to be healthy and whole and not be a slave to my food cravings. It’ encouraging to see a smaller number on the scale, but it would be better if I were completely free from my compulsion.

One day at a time. Let’s keep going.

Oh the weather outside is frightful

but the food is so delightful.

I had a warm bagel for lunch, toasted to roasty toasty warm and slathered with gooey cream cheese. It’s really one of my favorite foods ever. Yeah. Kinda sad I guess.

But you don’t understand. It’s like 15 degrees out and I had to walk far outside because I took the bus because the roads are so bad and I got so cold and my nose was running and my ears were red and numb and my toes oh so so so cold and my fingers to type were so hard to move and all I wanted was amazing roasty toastiness.

You see, apparently when it’s cold out my body says, oh we get to cozy up inside. Curl up with hot chocolate. Eat all the tasty toasty things. Literally I am seeking comfort from my food.

I’m still under on my calories for the day, but yet again, it was the craving I gave into that means I’m still battling being free from food.

That ice cream was really tasty

I feel bad about what I ate today. I ate today based on how I was feeling. I was stressed, (review at work) and felt exhausted after the conversation. I started feeling under the weather as well, so when I got home I slowly gave in more and more and kept eating.

The good news is, I’m still under 2,000 calories for the day. I’ve eaten little enough that I’m still on track to shed pounds.

So why exactly do I feel bad? Isn’t everything permissible?

I have several thoughts for myself on this matter:

1) It is permissible. I ate ice cream. I ate tortilla chips. It’s just food, it’s no big deal.

2) Quelling my emotions with eating was an unhealthy response. The food i ate was not beneficial, nor were the reasons I ate it.

3) The bonds of my slavery to eating, to food, and to my desire for it are extremely oppressive. Feeling guilty only weakens my resolve against them. I see why what I did wasn’t good, but I must encourage myself in what I did right, and remember that I am not a slave.

Come tomorrow, I will eat again. I have to empower myself to make good choices, and I must rest in the freedom I have from this desire that tries to engulf me.

First Work Day

Today was harder than the weekends. Sometimes one weekends I forget to eat cause I’m moving from this activity to that and having a great time.

Sitting at a desk for eight hours, however, made it a lot harder. Dont’ get me wrong; I like my job. It’s interesting and engaging. But so many consecutive hours on the same task makes it really repetitive, and I have a longing for variety. My main source of variety at work is food. I learned that today. I had soup for lunch purchased by the company for snow day! I have hot chocolate. A latte. Some almonds and a slice of dried mango. I wanted much more just to keep things changing up.

I even noticed myself getting antsy about my music choices: I guess I was trying to compensate for lack of variety by expecting my music to keep me motivated and focused.

The good news is, I got a ton done today. I didn’t over eat. I struggled with some frustration about eating, but the battle wasn’t excruciating. Not today.

Let’s see what I learn tomorrow.