Will This be the Meal?

I can’t count the number of times I’ve repeated to myself “Everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial” in the last two days. No, it’s not long, and yes I’ve got a long way to go. I don’t expect it’s going to be easy. But something funny happened today in the wake of my ‘letting go’ of food by repeating this phrase.

I went to the coffee shop, as I do on the weekends to work on my novel. I found myself deciding what to eat, as I always do. I thought “I’m not sure what I want”, but with that was the realization that the feeling normally accompanying that thought was gone…at least hidden. It welled up now and then and I let it go. But when it welled up, I was able to recognize what the feeling really is.

When it comes to meals, I get excited because I’m allowed to eat. I don’t have the berating voice saying “don’t do it. You’d better eat well. Why can’t you get it together.” So when it comes to meals I try to choose the thing that will make me feel most satisfied, to relish the opportunity not to feel guilty about eating. In essence, I hope with each meal that this will be the one that fulfills me. And guess, what. None of them have. Not one meal has ever fulfilled me.

Today I didn’t feel that way. I felt I could choose whatever I wanted and it would be acceptable, but I didn’t feel the need for it to fulfill me. It felt so freeing. Freedom is good.

This quiche is going to taste really good. And it isn’t going to fulfill me. But that’s okay. I’ll just enjoy it for what it is.

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